WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Here we go again. We are all gathered for the ministry of doom, led again by the almighty professor. Almighty. Professor. Hmmm.

I walked in late… as usual. It’s not my fault. I have duty and I am ever vigilant. I wish I was a vigilante. I wonder how well that pays… anyway…

They are mid stream about the classes for next year. The Welshman says he doesn’t want any alternative classes cos he doesn’t like thick kids. I laugh. I’m not sure if he was joking or not – but I thought it was funny. I didn’t get shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh’d cos Penelope hasn’t turned up yet. I guess she must be doing some special secret puppet business somewhere. Maybe the Muppets are in town and she was at a family gathering.

Sycophant with a J is lamenting something as being ‘…terrible… really terrible… really terrible…” and when no one responded she said ‘…it’s really terrible.”

A SCREECH reminiscent of the ancient banshees cuts the already very thick atmosphere. Someone has said something that Crazy Colleague doesn’t think is funny so she is putting on a very loud, very sarcastic, and very very UGLY laugh. I actually jumped. I thought maybe ninjas had jumped in through the window, that’s how bad she sounded. Alas nothing, not so much as a ninja star, just crazy colleague, being… well … crazy.

I am quite happily being excluded from this whole conversation, allowing me to think about things. Like how yum cinnamon is in donuts. And how nice it would be to be a size 10. And about how the cat threw up on my bed last night. Alone. By myself. I feel like some sort of Lone Cowgirl.

It seems as if time is moving in slow motion. I wonder if someone slipped something into my food or if some weird universal phenomenon has occurred causing the earth to stop spinning, or at least slow down an awful lot. She is talking about reports. Is it my imagination, or does the sulphur smell get stronger in this room…?

Professor has been talking solidly for 10 minutes, only punctuated by the odd “oh yes definitely” or “oh no, not at all” by sycophant with a J. I wonder how I can be this bored without being actually dead. And I wonder how the others can not be feeling the same way.

Penelope is still not here. Yay. The Thunderbird Puppet fest must be rocking hard! And I must say – other than the crazy laughing Crazy Colleague has been uncharacteristically quiet today!

Then out of nowhere it’s all on. Sycophant with a J must have had enough of the professor cos she stood up to her over something (that I missed cos I was chewing on paper, or something else that makes time pass) and the Professor takes great joy in tearing her to shreds. But Sycophant doesn’t back down. She stands her ground. She is angry. Will she cry?? Likely! I hope so. Unfortunately it all calms down and no tears are shed, and know blows are,,, blown? Professor finishes if all off with a nice healthy dose of condescension.

I notice that Old Man and Crazy Colleague both have the same cough. I wonder if they are hooking up secretly. Gross.

Professor starts on about the Departmental tasks. Well, I have one thing to say to that. Fuck off. I’m not doing a fucking thing. No way, no how. I’m out. I’m gone. I am doing as little as possible for the rest of the year. Professor is talking about accessioning. She loves that word – accessioning this, accessioning that. Accession.
Cunt. I love THAT word.

I wonder what would happen if I yelled out BOMB.

Half an hour in and professor is still talking. On and ON and ON and ON AND ON! I am fighting off the tourettes, and I wonder when I will finally slip into the coma I am wishing for. The biscuits are yum though.

I notice the Welshman has his phone out. I get his number and text his phone …”you give head…” and crack up laughing.

There is a 3 way discussion going between the Professor, Crazy and Sycophant. So I chime in with something intelligent. I can’t remember what it was, but it must have been good cos Crazy looks shitty and Prof ignores me.

I got a text. The Welshman called me Beverly. Reminds me of someone else I know!